I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
