Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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