matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
