You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize