dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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