My brain says no but my pants say off.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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