Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
