Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
