he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
