just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
