dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
