I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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