Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
