Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
