'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
