I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize