I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
