it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
