I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
