I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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