Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
