If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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