Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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