There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
