Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
