i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
