Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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