Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
