She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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