He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
