Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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