The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
