Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
