my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
