wakey wakey hands off snakey
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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