we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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