Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
