got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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