my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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