My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
