apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize