he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
