Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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