Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
