They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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