someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
