can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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