I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
