ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
