I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
