i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
