I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
