Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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