Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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