ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
