She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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