She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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