Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize