I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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