Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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