Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
